Which dynamics are most important in relationships?

I’ll be the first to tell you, I am no relationship guru, and I don’t believe in ‘expertise’ in such a topic. I’ve only had two other relationships in my lifetime, so my point of reference doesn’t necessarily come from just my own experiences, but the experiences I’ve seen and concluded on from my whole life.

You know those people who just can’t see the mistakes they’re making, even if they’re the same ones over and over? Well, because I despise making the same mistakes more than once, I’ve molded myself into an extremely fast learner. Most people tell you the same, “I’m a fast learner,” but really have no idea what it means to learn from one’s own mistakes. Never making the same mistake again isn’t just saying, “I’ll never make that mistake again.” It means digging deep down inside you, critiquing every detail from your thought process, emotional state, and mentality while making that decision. You must break that part of yourself down, and slowly build yourself back up. This topic will be discussed later in its entirety. However, it’s all part of the process in becoming one half of a loving, exciting, thriving relationship.

I’m going to outline the characteristics your relationship, or future relationship needs to have, but before all of that, success starts with you.

First and foremost, mistakes and arguments will happen. This is an inevitable dynamic of relationships. Nevertheless, it will be all for nothing, if growth and progress doesn’t happen as well.

Ever heard of the Seven Wonders of the World? I’m sure you have. Can you name them? Probably not. Let’s create a list that actually has some significance in our everyday life, a.k.a…

The Seven Wonders of a Relationship.

1.    Honesty/ Trust

2.   Intimacy

3.   Openness/Communication

4.   Understanding/Patience

5.   Independency

6.   Mistakes/Conflict

7.   Adventure

1.  Honesty / Trust

Of any of the wonders on this list, trust and honesty are THE most important keys to a relationships long-term success. Importance is often conjoined with complicated, and trust is just that.

Ask yourself, do you trust blindly? Or do you have trust issues? Now ask yourself, why do I trust this way? Many people draw conclusions to this delicate topic based on being let down, heart broken, or pure naivety. Being truthful and being honest are built between two people, at different rates. Just because you’ve fallen victim to a love spell and thrusted into trustfulness with your partner, doesn’t mean they’ve done the same, and that is okay. Everyone’s process won’t be understood, but here’s what you can do to help.

Evaluate how much you confide in your partner and vice versa. Are you the one they automatically confide in? Can they count on you? Are you the “rock” in their life? Do you do the things you say you’re going to do?

One weird little white lie, under exaggeration, or left out confession of truth can result in a relapse of trust. At that point you need to ask why it even happened in the first place. Your partner shouldn’t be stuck wondering, concluding, or assuming, if they are, issues will arise.

2.  Intimacy

The misconceptions we all have on what being intimate is leads to poor expression of it. Intimacy is the combination of THREE important components.

1 Physical

2 Emotional

3 Intellectual

Yes, many of us automatically jump to the conclusion that because you had the best sex in your life, being that you both stared into each other’s eyes while it felt like a waterfall was bursting inside you and were being struck by pulse lighting at the same time- but I’m sorry to say, that’s not intimacy. What intimacy truly is, is how EMOTIONALLY close you are to your partner.

Can you kiss them and be carried away? Can you lay side by side, talk through the night, and experience euphoria? Can you tell them your darkest secrets in confidence and feel liberated from their response?

Do you really know what your partner thinks and feels? Do you know their obsessions and fascinations? Do you know exactly how they like to be touched? Fucked? Sucked? Or are you still guessing with most of these questions?

Too much of our energy is focused on the physical nature of intimacy, and quite frankly, that’s why our relationships are failing more now than ever. You honestly think you can give someone a type of sex another person can’t? Even if you’re a seasoned porn star, one of my favorite lyrics goes as follows, “That’s cool for the moment but doesn’t permanently move me.”

Your relationship with intimacy will, without question, be a journey. It doesn’t happen overnight and you’ll only figure out ways to keep heightening it. Your journey will soon be a new discovery, to a new discovery. If the person you’re interested in is not interested in this, don’t take them very seriously and don’t think you can “teach” them. BUT, if they are, pack your bags, let your guard down, it’s a deeply satisfying voyage you’ve embarked on.

3.  Openness / Communication

I recently read an excerpt from a communication study, read below.  

Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, an expert on couple communication studies, concluded over 20 years of research that the single, best predictor of divorce, is when one or both partners show CONTEMPT in the relationship.

“Contempt, the opposite of respect, is often expressed via negative judgment, criticism, or sarcasm, regarding the worth of your partner.”

You know that saying, “Do what you did in the beginning of the relationship and it will never end.” Well, I always interpret it as, “Be as excited, respectful, and open-minded as you were in the beginning of the relationship, and it will never end.”

Having respect, genuine care, and admiration for the words, thoughts, ideas, your partner has to say, will lead you to the promise land. Communication is not possible, I repeat, is NOT possible, if you don’t have respect for their opinion.

Everyone communicates differently, some more effective than others. This is a craft that can be learned. Improvements can be made if you’re willing to learn.

4.  Understanding / Patience

The most talked about virtue in the world, patience.

Patience and understanding is often lost with complacency and time.

You ever find yourself beyond annoyed at things your partner does or says on a daily basis? You ever find yourself explaining yourself with more understanding and patience to complete strangers than you do your partner? Ever get frustrated because your partner forgets what your day’s schedule consisted of? You arguing more over things with no real significance? Do your arguments avalanche into being worse than they actually should be? These are all small questions that scream, lack of patience and understanding.

Off the top of your head, think of the things that irritate you the most about your partner, lets hope it has nothing to do with cheating or abuse of any kind. Now, did these annoyances bother you from the very day you met them? Maybe it feels like they do them more often now, but is it really their fault? If we take a look at their apparent shortcomings or faults, is it due to you taking them for granted and expecting their behavior to change to suit your specific needs? Often these flaws were perfectly fine with you in the first couple months/year of knowing them. Once we get comfortable, we start expecting them to change to fit how we want them to be. Like a create-a-human annoyance.

The whole point of this is to not consume your thoughts on why your partner is impatient, but how you are so impatient. Be the patient reflection you wish them to see. Talk to them about your feelings, where impatience is driving your relationship, and UNDERSTAND their response.

“A great man knows when to stand up and talk, but a greater man knows when to sit down and listen.”

Ever heard the term, listening with a purpose? Most of us are listening to respond, speaking to be heard; instead of listening to understand, speaking to be understood. Lower your voice, relax your arms, and make eye contact. Understanding is drawing in their perspective and widening your own. You can’t control anyone’s actions or thoughts but your own, we often need to be led in times where we don’t know where to go, lead them.

5.  Independency

This key to success is rarely spoken about when it comes to healthy relationships. From the moment we find that person, we latch onto them like a leech and never let go. This is perfectly fine in most instances, until the moment your lives, things, activities, hobbies, eating schedules, and time is all the same.

Sharing is caring, especially in relationships, but does everything need to be immediately shared? Absolutely not. Never in a relationship does it stipulate becoming somebody’s property and they must know every and anything about you. However, there shouldn’t be a reason to lie if the topic comes up and is asked about, but easy on the questions, and easy on the overzealousness. You shouldn’t feel like you need to explain your entire existence and experiences in an instant. The pressure to present yourself on a platter is too much for most people. Part of the independency as a person is keeping some thigs about yourself, to yourself, until the moment is comfortable for you, and natural to tell.

What are the things that separate you from being the same person as your partner? I’m really hoping you had some answers…

FRIENDS, HOBBIES, INTEREST, PASSIONS, DREAMS, DESIRES, EXPERIENCES, PERSONALITIES… which are all fully loaded btw.

We as human beings MUST act on our own ambition. Don’t get me wrong, if you don’t have support from your partner, you need to evaluate who you’re in a relationship with. Your friends need to be different than their friends. If he/she wants to go out with friends to dinner, bowling, play video games, to sports games, YOU need to be able to have your own friends as well. This way you both leave the house, with different friends, acting as independent people in a relationship.

Hobbies, passions, and desires, are the essence of making us different. Indulging in our own expressions are not only extremely healthy for us, but very beneficial for your relationships happiness. If you painted, golfed, hiked, cooked, wrote, or danced, before meeting your partner, continue to. It DOES NOT need to involve them. Let them be proud of your interest, see you grow and get better at them over time. You’ll experience higher benefits when done independently, being supported and cheered on along the way.

What I feel the most important aspect of independency is… DREAMS. Nothing in this world is more empowering than conquering the course and accomplishing your dreams. They bring us purpose, drive, and motivation to life. Just because you enter into a new relationship, (or old one) doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice YOUR dreams for them. Never expect someone, no matter who they are, to care about your dreams as much as you do. Meaning, if someone is making their dreams more important than yours, they should be, and don’t lose sight of your own. But, if your partner doesn’t seem to be chasing their dreams, maybe you’ve zapped it out of them by making yours a priority over theirs. Neither of you need your dreams stolen by the VERY person who should be supporting them. Have mutual dreams for each other, have independent dreams for yourself. Be happy, be independent.

6.  Mistakes / Conflict

We are all humans; we all make mistakes. Sound familiar? Most true statements usually do. It’s certain, the person you’re in a relationship with, will make mistakes. Depending what the mistake is, is up to you to decide whether you’re staying with them or not. This isn’t about those catastrophic mistakes that shouldn’t happen in the first place. The ones that display a lack of moral standard, character, or care. This is about those everyday mistakes that lead to conflict in the relationship.

Conflict in relationships is healthy. Challenge each other, call each other out. See who can admit defeat, acknowledge mistakes. See who can apologize, say sorry.

Understanding how important saying sorry is, or taking responsibility for a mistake is, will provide greater appreciation for when it happens. Living your life with somebody else will definitely have its ups and downs. Mutually working through conflict, will speak volumes on how well your relationship will last through adversity. It will be a long road of trial and error, but within those arguments, try to lower that pride, and always ask yourself, “Is this serious enough to be arguing like this?”

7.  Adventure

Adventure! Adventure! Adventure! What’s it mean? 'An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.' Now tell me you don't need this in your life?

Spontaneity is the pulse between your legs that grows each day with impatience. What I’m trying to say is, unleash the pulse!

Don’t plan, don’t think, don’t evaluate, just get up, grab your partner, and go.

When you’re out shopping for clothes you don’t really need, follow them to the change room and shove them inside of it. Rip their clothes off and fuck their brains out. You might want to forcefully cover each other’s mouth though; I’ve heard they’re not sound proof.

On a rainy day, with nothing really going on, get off your lazy ass that’s probably lying on the couch, watching T.V. and make a picnic in your living room. Throw some small, cute foods together, change your clothes, turn off the T.V. and call your partner in the room. Talk, snack, enjoy time.

The most obvious, yet should be done more often, road head. Whether guy or girl driver, pull them pants down and make sure they pay attention. Don’t stop until you finish the job, that’s important.

Bored? Sushi in sweats for the 2^nd time this week? Get up, throw your partner in the car, or randomly pick them up, drive off into the night with no destination in mind, and forget about the rest of the world. Park somewhere secluded, open the doors, play your music, talk, and fuck. On the hood, in the driver’s seat, back seat, center console, the trunk, wherever, however.

On those long flights, maybe to a vacation or trip home for the holidays, instead of slouching over and sleeping and watching movies the entire time, use that in flight blanket. Cover up with it, and slowly move your hand onto their lap, into their pants, and back and forth until they cum all over themselves. Best is to pretend like nothing’s happening. Trust me, it makes for a much more enjoyable ride.

Lack of curiosity is a huge turn off and massive relationship killer. Constantly provoke unpredictable scenarios and watch how the comfort zone overload sends sparks flying both in your pants, and in your hearts.